Hi! My name is Ann Coulter, and I want to show you how you too
can make millions of dollars by being a mindless neo-conservative pundit
or cable TV newscaster.
All you have to do is take my patented two week training program in
Beauty and Elocution.
Yes, this program is your personal ticket to success. I
guarantee it! Want to learn more? Here is the curriculum:
Beauty - Week 1
This course is designed to show you how to capture the hearts of
those fat assed blowhards like Rush Limbaugh and Tony Blankley.
Our beauty experts will show you how to emulate that classic
trailer trash look that drives conservative men wild. You know the
look. It's a sort of a cross between a Barbie doll and a
Well, we will show you how to bleach your hair blond to give you
that smutty look that is so popular with the GOP! After that, we
will show you the proper techniques for smearing gobs of cheap eye
shadow and makeup all over your face.
Just like me!!!
Elocution - Week 2
If all you really want is to get humped by a famous conservative,
you could just stop at course 1.
However, if you really want money, power and fame, you will have to
learn how to turn yourself into a human blowtorch and launch verbal
mortars at your enemies.
This course will show you how to create your own ridiculous non
sequiturs that will bedazzle your conservative audience, e.g.,
The position of the Democratic Party seems to be that Saddam Hussein
did not hit us on 9-11, but Halliburton did.
Additionally, this course will teach you how to humiliate your
liberal opponents by hitting them below the belt, so to speak, by
questioning their manhood and comparing them to women.
Conservatives love it when I accused some wuss like Dean of having
I mean, what could be lower on the phylogenic scale for an
authoritarian conservative than a woman? Get the picture?
Still not convinced? Well then how about a few testimonials
from our satisfied customers?
"I have all of our chicks take these courses at FoxNews." --
"Annie's courses helped me get that perfect look!" --
"I was a floundering nobody from nowhere until I got my certificate
from Ann's School." --
"I didn't think it was possible to improve my natural beauty or
speaking style, but it did." --