Hi! My name is Ann Coulter, and I want to show you how you too can make millions of dollars by being a mindless neo-conservative pundit or cable TV newscaster.
All you have to do is take my patented two week training program in Beauty and Elocution.
Yes, this program is your personal ticket to success. I guarantee it! Want to learn more? Here is the curriculum:
Beauty – Week 1
This course is designed to show you how to capture the hearts of those fat assed blowhards like Rush Limbaugh and Tony Blankley.
Our beauty experts will show you how to emulate that classic trailer trash look that drives conservative men wild. You know the look. It’s a sort of a cross between a Barbie doll and a discount hooker.
Well, we will show you how to bleach your hair blond to give you that smutty look that is so popular with the GOP! After that, we will show you the proper techniques for smearing gobs of cheap eye shadow and makeup all over your face.
Just like me!!!
Elocution – Week 2
If all you really want is to get humped by a famous conservative, you could just stop at course 1.
However, if you really want money, power and fame, you will have to learn how to turn yourself into a human blowtorch and launch verbal mortars at your enemies.
This course will show you how to create your own ridiculous non sequiturs that will bedazzle your conservative audience, e.g.,
The position of the Democratic Party seems to be that Saddam Hussein did not hit us on 9-11, but Halliburton did.
Additionally, this course will teach you how to humiliate your liberal opponents by hitting them below the belt, so to speak, by questioning their manhood and comparing them to women.
Conservatives love it when I accused some wuss like Dean of having menstrual cramps.
I mean, what could be lower on the phylogenic scale for an authoritarian conservative than a woman? Get the picture?
Still not convinced? Well then how about a few testimonials from our satisfied customers?
“I have all of our chicks take these courses at FoxNews.” — Roger Ailes
“Annie’s courses helped me get that perfect look!” — Dr. Laura Schlessinger
“I was a floundering nobody from nowhere until I got my certificate from Ann’s School.” — Laura Ingraham
“I didn’t think it was possible to improve my natural beauty or speaking style, but it did.” — Rita Cosby
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