New York City (IWR Satire) — President Bush today announced his Corporate Responsibility program to address corporate shenanigans. Here is the full text of his speech given at the Regent Wall Street Hotel:
"Thank you all. Thank you very much for that warm welcome and all of those campaign contributions that helped get me elected. I’m pleased to be back in New York City. New York City is a unique symbol of America’s creativity and character and resilience, especially on Wall Street when it comes to cooking the books. (Laughter and applause.)
I’ve come to the financial capital of the world to speak of a serious challenge to our financial markets, and to the confidence on which they rest. The misdeeds now being uncovered in some quarters of corporate America are threatening the financial well-being of many Republican voters. At this moment, America’s greatest economic need is the appearance of higher ethical standards.
The lure of heady profits of the late 1990s spawned abuses and excesses. Of course, that was during the reign of that demon possessed pedophile, BILL CLINTON. (Applause.)
But I’m president now, and the American people know that at least I have the facade of character. They also know that I am sincere when I tell my fellow corporate cronies, who put me into power, that you need to stop getting caught at least until after my re-election in 2004.
The captains of industry present here today need to take a page from my administration to speak no evil under any circumstances.
The America people understand that things aren’t exactly black and white when it comes to accounting procedures or corporate ethics for that matter. Things are only black and white when it comes to cloning, abortion and Ozzy Osbourne, not when it comes Harken Energy or Halliburton for example. Any fool knows that. The last thing that we would want to do is have any new regulations that would only uncover more corporate malfeance! (Applause.)
I have asked the Attorney General to look into the possibility of suspending the first amendment until the economy turns around. You know the old saying "No News is Good News". Remember ignorance is strength is when it comes to a healthy economy! (Applause.)
We will show that markets can be both dynamic and have the semblance of honesty, that lasting wealth and prosperity are built on a foundation of ignorance.
Leaders in this room help give the free enterprise system an ethical wink and a nod, and the nation respects you for that. We need to keep the public in the dark now more than ever. I want to thank you for helping to restore the people’s trust in American business. I want to thank you for your love of profits and your campaign contributions. And I want to thank you for giving me the chance to come and address you today. May God bless you all. (Applause.)"
Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001, Copyright Internet Weekly Report 2001-2003.
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