Best of IWR – John Ashcroft and Domo-kun
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Ashcroft Puts Domo-kun on the FBI’s Most Wanted List
Washington (IWR Satire) – Attorney General John Ashcroft today added Domo-kun and his notorious gang of Internet cyber-terrorists to the FBI’s most wanted list. Here are excerpts from Mr. Ashcroft’s briefing:
"We have been monitoring the terrorist activities of Domo-kun for over 18 months now."
[Mr. Ashcroft takes a deep breath.]
"Domo-kun and his evil associates have been sending encrypted Satanic terrorist messages encoded in graphic images, which are distributed in email chain letters. This group is also responsible for creating violent games and strange short videos, which are showing up on web pages all over the Internet.
We don’t know a lot about this group except that these evil conspirators seem to targeting our nation’s children and nerds with their strange pagan images."
[Mr. Ashcroft pauses, takes a deep breath and wipes the dripping saliva from his face.]
"We are almost certain that these acts of cyber-terrorism are originating from that Axis of Evil country, North Korea, but since we have no Asian or Arabic language specialists on our team, we cannot be certain.
However, we were able to identify one of the Domo-kun terrorist’s real names, ‘Connie Cheewah’. If anyone has information on a Miss Connie Cheewah, please contact Mr. Mueller at the FBI switchboard immediately.
There also seems to be a related Domo style cult, who call themselves ‘Slashdotters’, lead by one ‘Commander Taco’, who worship some sort of Asian deity called ‘Annie May’."
In addition, we have intercepted some Internet chat room messages that seem to indicate a connection between Domo-kun and suspected German immigrant evildoer, ‘The Kompressor’, who is operating somewhere Ohio."
[Mr. Ashcroft takes a deep breath and pushes his expanded chest forward.]
"I would also like to take this opportunity point out some of the successes we have had since 9/11. As you recall, we broke up that prostitution ring in New Orleans, then we convicted a pothead in California, deported some Arab looking people, submitted our new Patriot Act II initiative, and of course we can’t tell you about all countless ‘terrorists’ we have imprisoned without any trials or hearings to distract our efforts to create a de facto police state."
[Mr. Ashcroft took one more deep breath, wiped more dribbling spit from his cheek and then walked behind the curtain, gave the finger to Minnie Lou and then skipped back to his office.]
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Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001,
Copyright Internet Weekly Report 2001-2003.
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