Ashcroft Announces New Program: Operation Patriot Eavesdrop
CHICAGO, IL (IWR News Parody) Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today, in the world’s largest Starbucks in Chicago, his new Operation Patriot Eavesdrop (OPE) program.
Mr. Ashcroft demonstrated how easy it is for patriotic Americans to eavesdrop on suspected terrorists, who often congregate in local coffee houses to drink their ‘subversive cafe lattes and cappuccinos’.
"The purpose of OPE is to recruit loyal Americans to help the FBI spy on suspected terrorists in their neighborhood shops, parks, malls and Planned Parenthood offices.
We are asking that you keep an eye and cupped ear pointed in the direction of all suspicious looking characters that you may encounter, e.g., Arabs, Mexicans, UPS guys in shorts, gays, punks, Goth girls, college professors, Kerry supporters or anyone with blue, green or pink hair.
If you find someone who meets these vague criteria for sedition, please contact your local FBI office or send an email to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we will have some of our special goon agents hassle the living crap out of that traitor," said Mr. Ashcroft.
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Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001, Copyright Internet Weekly Report 2001-2003.