McCain Guarantees Win In Parallel Universe

TRALFAMADORE, NM (IWR Satire) –  Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press” that according to the multiple universe theory of physicist Dr. Hugh Everett that he can now “guarantee” a win on Nov. 4 in a squeaker victory that won’t be clear until late that night in parallel universe somewhere out there.

“I guarantee you that two weeks from now, you will see this has been a very close race, and I believe that I’m going to win it in some alternative world,” McCain told interim “Meet” moderator Tom Brokaw. “We’re going to do well in this campaign, my friend. We’re going to win it, and it’s going to be tight, and we’re going to be up late.  Well, we will be in some other parallel universe anyway.  All Sarah and I need to do is sort out the physics so we can construct a machine to travel to that parallel universe and celebrate our close victory!”

Candidates Ralph Nader and Ron Paul predicted that they would win in alternative universes too.

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