Best of IWR – Bush Links Trial Lawyers to al Qaeda

Best of IWR – Bush Links Trial Lawyers to al Qaeda

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  Bush Says There is Evidence
Linking Trial Lawyers to al Qaeda

 
An Evil Trial Lawyer
Linked to al Qaeda
Alan M. Dershowitz

Washington (IWR Satire) — In his radio address to the nation today, President Bush said that there was clear evidence linking “trial lawyers” to al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein.  Here is the full text of the President’s address:

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. On Thursday, I met with Karl Rove and Peggy Noonan to discuss a greater threat than that of Iraqi or Osama bin Laden. 

My fellow Americans, the very security of our country is at stake because of the new threat to our freedoms posed by the trial lawyers and all their evil talk about civil liberties, minimum wages,  class action suits and control of the senate.

These people have done nothing but give aid and comfort to our terrorist enemies from like day one.  I mean, all they do is whine all day long about civil liberties and due processes of those evil demon possessed pedophiles that John Ashcroft rounds up.  Heck it ain’t like we’re arresting limeys like Andrew Sullivan or Tony Blankley.  

I mean, only a traitor would give legal aid to our terrorist enemies and the Democrats, and the American people don’t need Rush Limbaugh to tell them that.

So today, I am authorizing the use of force to defend our national security interests against the threat posed by Alan Dershowitz and his trial lawyer buddies at the ACLU.  

In addition, we also need to preemptively attack the liberal universities that support trial lawyers, with all their blame America first attitudes, that Lynne Cheney and William Bennett have identified as internal threats to our country.  As William Bennett has pointed out before if you want to blame someone, blame Clinton first!  Hey it has worked for me.

This danger to our country is grave, and it is growing. These trial lawyers possess weapons of mass disruption, and according to Ann Coulter, they could launch a legal attack in as little as 45 minutes after an order is given by Ira Glasser.  

The trial lawyers have already used their poison lawsuits against our own citizens, even Vice President Cheney is not immune from their evil legal maneuvering.  They are also responsible for trying to destroy my daddy during the 1992 presidential election. 

Look what happened in New Jersey when we let our guard down.  Those satanic trial lawyers launched a wicked sneak attack against my new Manifest Destiny initiatives by changing one of their senate horses in midstream.

The dangers we face will only worsen from month to month and year to year. To ignore these threats is to encourage them — and when they have fully materialized, it may be too late to protect ourselves and our allies from these lawsuits.

Thank you for listening.

END