White House sources said that earlier in the day, Mr. Cheney had been celebrating with a few of his old college buddies from the University of Wyoming. 

It seems Cheney and his friends had drank a few pictures of tequila, and then visited a local tattoo parlor before the Vice President made the following comments:

"What are you looking at you old bat?  God damn it! 

Oh sorry Helen [Journalist Helen Thomas].

[Cheney clears his throat.]

Anyway.  The reason I called this press conference was to settle things once and for all between me and that wuss Wesley Clark. 

That SOB is threatening my livelihood, and I'm not going to let get away with it without a fight.

[Cheney steadies himself and smiles dreamily.]

I mean just cause that clown wasn't smart enough to figure how to get out of the Vietnam War is no reason for him to call me, Rummy and Dumb Shit [President Bush] chickenhawks.  That's dirty pool!

He may have a purple heart, but does he have  tattoos like me? 

You bet your ass he doesn't.

Anyway, here's the deal.  Whenever a player runs a hoop, he has to take a shot of schnapps.  Clark and I keep playing until someone passes out, and then, the player with the most hoops at that time wins.

Me and the boys used to play these 'death matches' at the University of Wyoming all the time, and I don't remember losing a single match.

[Cheney begins singing at this point.]

De Camptown ladies sing this song, Doo-da, Doo-da. 

Damn. I always forget the rest of that song.  Hey! It seems like we were singing that earlier at that barbershop quartet place.

Now what was I saying? 

Oh! Oh!

Anyway, tell that so-called general that he ain't got a hair on his ass unless he show's up here Saturday to my Croquet Death Match," said Mr. Cheney, as he was whisked away by Mrs. Cheney who smacked him several times with her Versace mink purse.