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Mission Accomplished Again, Well Sort Of

WASHINGTON (IWR News Satire) - President Bush told the nation Sunday that our troops have caught the tinhorn dictator Saddam Hussein.  The President also reminded the American public of the reasons why we went to war in Iraq. 

Here is the text on Mr. Bush's speech:

The President: Good Afternoon.

The Good News: We have caught Saddam Hussein! Mission Accomplished!

The Bad News: We still haven't found those pesky WMD yet.

I know it may still seem to many of you out there that I may have overstated, a teensy bit, the threat posed by Saddam Hussein to most powerful country in the history of the world.

So let me take a second to remind everybody of the shifting reasons of why we launched this preemptive war in the first place.

  1. Saddam tried to kill Poppy.  At least, that's what Cheney and I think anyway.  More importantly, Poppy's reputation needed fixing, because he was responsible for telling the Shiites and Kurds to rise up against Saddam in 1991.  Too bad he forgot to tell them that they were on their own, and that they got mowed down by Saddam's henchmen.
     
  2. Saddam has a nucular weapons program. We should find it any day now.
     
  3. Saddam has thousands of tons of WMD.  We should find those any day now too.
     
  4. Saddam is Directly Connected to 9/11.  That is, according to the Weekly Standard anyway!  I mean, if you can't trust Rupert Murdoch, who can you then?
     
  5. Aluminum tubes.  I forget why those things were important, but it sounded like a good reason to kill thousands people at the time.
     
  6. Wahhabism.  Wait a minute that's those crazy Islamic people that our ally Saudi Arabia supports.  Sorry, how did that get on my list.
     
  7. Funding Terrorism. Shucks, that's Saudi Arabia too.  I'll have Jim Baker talk to them or something.
     
  8. Oil.  Bingo! You don't think old Halliburton and Bechtel would have subsidized my run for presidency if they thought I wasn't gonna deliver the goods to them do you?

So there are several good reasons why we went to war.

And now that we have captured Saddam Hussein, everything is going to turn up roses.  The guerilla war will magically end.  The Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis will bury their hatchets, and the troops will all be home by election day!

END

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Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001,
Copyright Internet Weekly Report 2001-2003.



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