|WASHINGTON (IWR News Satire)
- President Bush told the nation Sunday that our troops have caught
the tinhorn dictator Saddam Hussein. The President also reminded
the American public of the
why we went to war in Iraq.
Here is the text on Mr. Bush's speech:
The President: Good Afternoon.
The Good News: We have caught Saddam Hussein!
The Bad News: We still haven't found those pesky WMD yet.
I know it may still seem to many of you out there that I may have
overstated, a teensy bit, the threat posed by Saddam Hussein to most
powerful country in the history of the world.
So let me take a second to remind everybody of the shifting reasons
of why we launched this preemptive war in the first place.
- Saddam tried to kill Poppy. At least, that's what
Cheney and I think anyway. More importantly, Poppy's
reputation needed fixing, because he was responsible for telling the
Shiites and Kurds to rise up against Saddam in 1991. Too bad
he forgot to tell them that they were on their own, and that they
got mowed down by Saddam's henchmen.
- Saddam has a nucular weapons program. We should find it
any day now.
- Saddam has thousands of tons of WMD. We should find
those any day now too.
- Saddam is Directly Connected to 9/11. That is,
according to the Weekly Standard anyway! I mean, if you can't
trust Rupert Murdoch, who can you then?
- Aluminum tubes. I forget why those things were
important, but it sounded like a good reason to kill thousands
people at the time.
- Wahhabism. Wait a minute that's those crazy Islamic
people that our ally Saudi Arabia supports. Sorry, how did
that get on my list.
- Funding Terrorism. Shucks, that's Saudi Arabia too.
I'll have Jim Baker talk to them or something.
- Oil. Bingo! You don't think old Halliburton and
Bechtel would have subsidized my run for presidency if they thought
I wasn't gonna deliver the goods to them do you?
So there are several good reasons why we went to war.
And now that we have captured Saddam Hussein, everything is going
to turn up roses. The guerilla war will magically end. The
Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis will bury their hatchets, and the troops
will all be home by election day!