RICHFIELD, OH (IWR Satire) -- President
Bush today ushered in what he called: "a New Era of Indentured
Servitude" for American workers.
The president (above) was sporting a pair of horns that he grew on
his vacation for the Annual Satyr Rut, which will be held at the Crawford, Texas
fairgrounds in October.
Below is the president's speech in its entirety:
"Good afternoon Buckeyes!
On this Labor Day, Americans pay tribute to the spirit of hard work
and enterprise that made this nation strong before we had the
complication of labor unions.
I am proud to say that worker productivity accelerated last year at
the fastest rate in more than a half century.
And do you know what drove this increase?
Well let me tell you, the higher productivity was do to the Texas
style sweat shop conditions that exist in this country since I took
[Applause for the White House entourage.]
Workers everywhere are in a state of panic that they might lose
their job to some coolie in China or alien serf from India.
The logic of aversion is so simple even even a dimwit like myself
can understand it!
[Laughter from the White House entourage.]
Since there are no employment alternatives, people these days must
work their asses off to keep the stinking job that they currently
In Texas, this is what we call having someone by the cojones!
Sorry ladies. Yuck. Yuck.
[Diabolical Laughter from the White House entourage.]
But it's not all gloom and doom for America's families, tax relief
has come at just the right time.
For a family of four with a household income of $40,000, tax relief
passed over the last two-and-a-half years means they get to keep
nearly $2,000 more of their own money.
That's $3.65 a day! I mean, that's like a whole small jar of
Cheez Whiz for Christ Sakes!
It's just too bad American families need to work even more overtime
just to keep up, and that they will be SOL when it comes retirement
time, because there will be nothing left.
But hey, that's the way GOP hair ball bounces! We can't help
it if the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer when we're in
But please don't fret just yet, because next year, I will be
introducing a new bill to Congress that will lower the minimum wage to
75% of what it is in Sri Lanka!
That will really make our economy boom!
And then there will be jobs galore!
So don't worry be happy!
This is a New Era of Indentured Servitude!
Thank y'all for listening," said Mr. Bush.
[Wild Applause for the White House entourage.]