"The president fell off the wagon again yesterday and polished off two twelve packs of Bud while watching football games yesterday with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.

The president was clearly not his usual jovial self this morning at church, and he apologizes for telling the organist to 'turn that god damn futhermucking piece of shit organ down!'. 

Mr. Bush also apologizes for dry heaving repeatedly and letting fly several stinking beer farts during the service," said McClellan.