|WASHINGTON (IWR Satire) --
Attorney General John Ashcroft today arrested comedian Al Franken for
being an enemy combatant of the United States and more importantly Rupert Murdoch.
"When the President heard the heinous crimes
committed by Mr. Franken against our beloved fair and balanced cable
channel, Fox News, he immediately ordered me to incarcerate Mr.
That SOB, Al Franken, is neither a journalist nor a television news
personality. He is not Tom Delay. He is not Brit Hume. He is
not Tony Snow. He is not a biased neocon McCarthyist voice in
American politics; rather, he appears to be honest, lucid and stable,
and Fox News has a legal right not be confused with his aberrant behavior.
Unlike Fox News, Franken's views actually contain serious depth and insight, for
Christ sakes! Besides that, he's a creep who makes fun of my
conservative heroes. Can you believe he actually once wrote a book
called 'Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot'? Come on now,
Rush has lost a lot of weight.
The real topper is, Mr. Franken's book cover outrageously mimics the
look and feel of two books written by Bill O'Reilly, a patriot and a
prominent Fox News personality. Mr. O'Reilly is also pictured on the
cover, just beneath the word 'Lies'! What an outrage!
I mean like Bill O'Reilly is like my best buddy of all times!
He never lies unless he's on the air, and
besides that if you screw with him, then you screw with the law.
I just hope Mr. Murdoch is not too upset when he finds out how long
it took us to arrest this liberal scum," said Ashcroft, who began
foaming at the mouth.