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Official Bill Bennett GOP Most Wanted Playing Card

William Bennett Sues Southwest Airlines

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William ("3 seater") Bennett

Chicago -- Lawyers for self-appointed morality expert, William Bennett, today filed a 100 million dollar lawsuit against Southwest Airlines for forcing Mr. Bennett to buy 3 seats on a flight from Chicago to Pittsburgh last week. The lawsuit contends that the portly Bennett is a victim of "right wing pachyderm profiling" by the airline industry.

"Look. Those ticket agents didn't make any of those fat assed multicultural liberals on the airplane buy any extra tickets. Look. I know there were at least four liberal wide bodies on the same flight! So, why was I signaled out for punishment? Why? Because I'm fat white conservative bastard that's why! If I was black or Latino, they would have let me sit in the cockpit with the captain and given me extra peanuts," said Bennett.

According to sources at O'Hare Airport, Mr. Bennett was forced to buy an additional two tickets after several passengers were trapped in the gravitation pull of Bennett's massive body and had to be rescued by airport security personnel. Besides the added risk of putting innocent flyers into a porky orbit, Southwest said that Bennett simply couldn't fit into a single seat or even two. "Let's face it, his butt takes up a whole row," said Southwest ticket agent Leon Jeffries.

A passenger still shaken by the ordeal, Dorothy from Kansas, reported, "It was like I was being sucked into a great tub of lard, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to Pittsburgh attached to some sanctimonious right wing blimp!"

William Bennett to be Hoover Institute
Vacuum Cleaner Spokesman

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William 'Ollie' Bennett

Palo Alto -- Shelby Steele announced today that self-appointed morality watchdog, William Bennett will be the spokesman for the Hoover Institute Vacuum Cleaner Company. "Mr. Bennett is consider by most people to be a real windbag. Also, as the president of Americans for Victory Over Trash (AVOT), Mr. Bennett makes a perfect spokesman for our new conservative entrepreneurial endeavor." said Mr. Steele

In a speech that followed, Mr. Bennett said: "Look. When it comes to dirt, there are no muddled liberal grey areas. Look. Either your carpet is dirty or it is not. Is that so hard to understand people? How will we ever defeat terrorism if we don't have cleaner carpets? You think Mullah Omar carries a Dirt Devil on his Moped? Of course not!

Look. We can no longer tolerate cultural relativism when it comes to vacuum cleaners. Some of you would blame America first for those cat hairs. You would have us all wallowing in a multicultural wasteland of non-reusable vacuum cleaner bags of despair. A slave to the evil doer's vacuum cleaner of choice -- the Oreck. Look. We need to clean up the all the filth in America, and the best way to do that is by vacuuming your carpets the patriotic way with a nice new All American Hoover Institute vacuum cleaner.

You know. Some smart alecks will ask me, 'Bill how do you know what you say about morality and upright vacuum cleaners to be true with such certainty'? And you know what I tell those wisenheimers? 'Look. If you bleeding heart liberals vacuumed all the tofu and tapas droppings out of your carpets every day with one our new Daisy Cutter canister models for example, you wouldn't have to ask such dumb questions!'".

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Daisy Cutter Model

Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001,
Copyright Internet Weekly Report 2001-2003.