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Best of IWR - Ashleigh Banfield

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Ashleigh Refuses to Eat Own Network Dog Food

Banfield Lashes Out at Own Network -- Yahoo News 4/28/2003

 

Ashleigh Cancelled!

Ashleigh Banfield Loses MSNBC 'Location'!  -- Yahoo News

 


Ashleigh Banfield To Take The Wienermobile Across America
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Ashleigh Wienermobile

New York City (IWR Satire) -- An MSNBC "On Location" promo reports that Ashleigh Banfield will be celebrating, er, ah, commemorating the anniversary of 9/11 catastrophe by criss-crossing the country in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.   On the way to New York City, she will be interviewing and feeding nearly everyone she meets while traveling Across America.  

Asheigh's mission will be to visit all of the major cities that have some sort of connection to 9/11 and to find out what has happened to Mr. and Mrs. Soccer Mom since that fateful day. 

Are we safer?   Is Mom watching soap operas and Saturday morning cooking shows again?  Is Osama as dead as canned ham?   Is Uncle Billy listening to Car Talk every Sunday like he used to?  Has John Ashcroft found those phantoms of lost liberty?  Is the Pope a pedophile?   

Ashleigh and her On Location crew will travel 8,000 miles visiting supermarkets, arcades, churches, casinos, junk yards, rest areas, race tracks, Hare Krishna beggars at airports, taverns, nuclear plants, McDonald's, water parks, bowling alleys, abortion clinics, scrap metal yards, strip malls and several tanning salons in search of the real American post 9/11 psyche. 

In any case, stop by if you can and have a hot-dog on MSNBC when you see Ashleigh and the big Yellow Winnie come to your town.   Remember though, you fatsos out there, that there is a two dog limit!

Update!  OpinionJournal: Out There Windswept, inept, Ashleigh Banfield hits the road. (08/22/2002)


Ashleigh Banfield Kicks the Crap Out of Geraldo in Paris Airport
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Ashleigh
(Left)
Geraldo (Right)
after the attack

Paris -- (IWR Satire)  In a chance meeting, the fearless Ashleigh Banfield ran into Geraldo Rivera in the Charles de Gaulle airport today.  According to witnesses, Ms. Banfield screamed "You lying bastard!" and then karate kicked the startled Geraldo in his "wedding tackle". 

Geraldo reportedly went down like a sack of potatoes, and then, Ms. Banfield got him in a head lock and began gouging his eyes and nose.  Witnesses then said Geraldo started screaming "Mommy! Mommy!" while Ms. Banfield applied her vise like pressure to his head.  "OK.  Slimeball.  Come clean, or I'll crack your skull like an English walnut," Ms. Banfield was quoted as saying to Geraldo.

"OK!  Uncle already!  Cut it out Ashleigh," pleaded Geraldo.

"Tell the truth then about Saddam Hussein then," ordered Ms. Banfield.

"OK. OK.  It really wasn't you who had a crush on Saddam Hussein.  It is really Matt Drudge who does.  Matt really digs guys with mustaches like Saddam Hussein, Stalin and dudes like me," confessed Geraldo.

"Well don't let that happen again.  Cause if you do, next time I'm going to kick your head until its loose.  If you know what I mean," warned Ms. Banfield.

Geraldo later told reporters that he would not press charges against Ms. Banfield, because there is no law against attacking dorks in France.


Fox News: Ashleigh Banfield Admits Having Big Crush on Saddam Hussein

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Washington (IWR Satire) --  Fox News Reporter, Geraldo Rivera,   reported today that his news nemesis, Ashleigh Banfield, confided in him in a New Jersey bowling alley last week that she has had "the hots" for Saddam Hussein for several years now. 

"'Every time I see that picture of Saddam holding his erect rifle emitting those puffs of smoke, my knees just go all weak', that's what she told me anyway," said Geraldo. 

Miss Banfield was almost contacted by Fox News to confirm these facts before the story was broadcast.  "We left her a voice mail at her NYC apartment.  It's too bad she was asleep in Baghdad at the time, but you know that old saying the show must go on," said Fox spokesman Stan Steiner.


Ashleigh Banfield Finds Sneaker in Iranian Village

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(Left)  Anchor Ms. Banfield.  (Right) the sneaker.


www.internetweekly.org.   Ashleigh Banfield continues her MSNBC world-wide sneaker hunt in Yazd, a small village in Iran.  "I never thought I would find a discarded sneaker so easily here in Iran.  It took me almost a month to find a good one in Afghanistan in a crater on one of mountains of Tora Bora." said the exuberant Banfield.

Later during the Live broadcast from Iran, Ms. Banfield fielded an e-mail question from a teenage girl about the new sneaker. 

Judy from Madison, Wisconsin asked: "That sneaker looks all icky to me.  Ewww!  Does it like stink?  I would be afraid that I would get cooties or something worse."

Ms. Banfield replied: "I really can't smell the sneakers cause of my sinus problem, but I try not to get that close to them anyway.  I certainly don't want to catch cooties either.  I image  desert cooties could drill little holes in your head  like those weird spiders that can eat your face during the night.  Ewww!

My assistant Jack keeps all the sneakers in his duffel bag.  He says you can't catch cooties from sneakers, but you know how dumb boys are."

Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001,
Copyright Internet Weekly  2001and 2002


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