"I have included in my 2004 budget one billion dollars for this new faith based ventriloquism initiative to help those in need in the great country of ours.

Ventriloquists funded by this program will entertain the poor, while they shop at Wal-Mart, as they collect Coke cans from trash bins to supplement their meager incomes or while they stand in line for food stamps.

In addition, these ventriloquists of infinite compassion will offer the age old crutch of religion as a alternative to meaningful wages, unemployment and health care benefits, just as our aristocratic ancestors did during the Dark Ages," said the President to standing ovation by Republicans.