CHICAGO, IL (IWR News Parody) — Attorney
General John Ashcroft announced today, in the world's largest
Starbucks in Chicago, his new Operation Patriot Eavesdrop (OPE)
Mr. Ashcroft demonstrated how easy it is for patriotic Americans to
eavesdrop on suspected terrorists, who often congregate in local
coffee houses to drink their 'subversive cafe lattes and cappuccinos'.
"The purpose of OPE is to recruit loyal Americans to help the FBI
spy on suspected terrorists in their neighborhood shops, parks, malls
and Planned Parenthood offices.
We are asking that you keep an eye and cupped ear pointed in the
direction of all suspicious looking characters that you may encounter,
e.g., Arabs, Mexicans, UPS guys in shorts, gays, punks, Goth girls,
college professors, Kerry supporters or anyone with blue, green
or pink hair.
If you find someone who meets these vague criteria for sedition,
please contact your local FBI office or send an email to me at
we will have some of our special goon agents hassle the living crap
out of that traitor," said Mr. Ashcroft.