AIR FORCE ACADEMY, CO (IWR News Satire) -
Attorney General Alberto "Fredo" Gonzales contended today that individual
freedoms pose a "grave threat" to U.S. security.
Gonzales told about 400 cadets from the Air Force Academy's political
science and law classes that some see Bush's warrantless surveillance
program as unconstitutional and that it has effectively turned this country a police
"This view that our warrantless wiretapping program is unconstitutional is shortsighted.
Hell, it's as American as apple pie! It's like the good old days when
J. Edgar Hoover ran the FBI.
Its definition of freedom - as freedom of speech and freedom from
warrantless government searches - is itself a grave threat to the liberty
and security of the American people.
Let us not forget the reason that terrorists attacked in the first place was
because of our freedom. Why Osama himself has said himself that the
reason he attacked this country on 9/11 was because we didn't have
We believe the fuehrer, a, er, I mean the president has the has the inherent
authority to do whatever the hell he wants to, much like Joseph Stalin did
during his reign of terror in the Soviet Union.
Look, at least we are not sending people to freeze Siberia, we send our all
detainees to a nice vacation spot in Cuba, and to-date not a single prisoner
has froze to death during their
If our administration wasn't so clueless, we would actually do the hard
intelligence work required to infiltrate al Qaeda and capture Osama.
But political appointees like us with no practical work experience don't know how to
get the job done. Remember, we're the same gang who has been running
the Iraq war for the last four years! (Ha Ha.)
We much prefer domestic spying to doing real police work anyway, because,
then, you really don't have worry about thinking, planning, accountability or
Besides, data mining everybody's domestic phone calls is a bureaucrats
It gives us a lot to giggle about when we gather around the
old water cooler at the Justice Department too!
You never know we might even find a terrorist one of these days," said
a chuckling Gonzales to the stunned audience.